When you're in a healthy relationship, everything just seems to fall into place. Sure, there are a few hiccups along the way, but you usually make decisions together, freely discuss any issues that arise, and truly enjoy each other's business.
Toxic relationships, on the other hand, are a different matter. And when you're in one, it can be difficult to see red flags.
If you consistently feel exhausted or unhappy after spending time with your partner, it could be an indication that you have a toxic boyfriend or girlfriend.
Abusive relationships will cause massive disruption in people's lives, relatives, and workplaces, but they aren't always the domain of the weak, oppressed, or insecure. People who are strong, healthy, and self-sufficient can find themselves in the grip of a toxic relationship. Likewise, relationships that appear to be strong at first can devolve into nothing more than dust and legal fees.
Here's an explanation of what a toxic relationship is, as well as warning signs and what to do if your relationship is toxic.
What Is A Toxic Relationship?
A toxic relationship, according to Dr. Lillian Glass, a communication and psychology specialist in California, is any relationship between people who do not value each other, where there is tension and one tries to weaken the other, where there is unhealthy rivalry, where there is disrespect, resentment, jealousy, and a lack of unity.
A toxic relationship taints your self-esteem, happiness, and perspective on yourself and the world. Relationships can begin healthily, but bad feelings, a bad history, or long-term unmet needs can fester and pollute the relationship, and change the people in it. It can happen quickly and easily, and it can happen to the most powerful people.
While every relationship has its own set of difficulties, Glass claims that a toxic relationship is consistently unpleasant and draining for the people involved, to the point where negative moments exceed and outweigh positive ones. According to Dr. Kristen Fuller, a family medicine physician in California who specializes in mental health, toxic relationships are mentally, emotionally, and possibly physically damaging to the parties involved.
And, she adds, these relationships do not have to be romantic; even friendly and professional relationships can be toxic.
Signs Of A Toxic Relationship
It is critical to be aware that the relationship is toxic to protect yourself. Staying in a toxic relationship is tantamount to pressing the self-destruct button. Not all toxic partnerships are easy to quit, but being mindful of the warning signs will make it easier to reclaim your control and draw a clear line between what you allow into your life and what you exclude.
Toxic symptoms may be subtle or noticeable depending on the nature of the relationship; when you're in a toxic relationship, you can notice any of these signs in yourself, your partner, or the relationship itself.
1. Lack of support
Healthy relationships are founded on a shared desire to see the other excel in all aspects of life. When things become toxic, however, any accomplishment becomes a competition. In other words, you don't have the impression that they have your back.
A little healthy competition in a relationship is beneficial. Healthy partners are supportive of each other's aspirations and rejoice when either of them achieves success.
Competitiveness becomes toxic, though, when your partner makes you feel bad or guilty about your accomplishments. If you find yourself covering your victories for fear that they will become jealous or insecure, you are in a toxic situation.
2. Loss of self-esteem and confidence
Toxic partners like to pick on you. It's a problem if you hear critical statements regularly, e.g. "That dress does not appeal to me." "Change your hair," "I don't like it like that," "Why do you have so much makeup on?" "Why do you have to see your friends?", "I thought you were going to stay at home," "I thought you were going to make meals tomorrow night" "I don't want to go out."
These kinds of remarks erode your self-esteem. You begin to question your judgment and begin to feel bad about yourself. You're always asking yourself, "What can I do to make things better?"
If you're still mentally, emotionally, and even physically exhausted instead of content and productive, it's time to re-evaluate.
3. Controlling and excessively jealous
Although jealousy is normal from time to time, it can become a problem if you can't bring yourself to think or feel positively about your partner's activities.
If your partner can't stand the thought of you not being by their side, you should reconsider your union.
Controlling behavior, such as constantly questioning where you are or being unnecessarily irritated when you do not respond to messages immediately, may lead to toxicity in a relationship.
In certain situations, attempts to exert power over you can be a sign of abuse.
A toxic relationship is characterized by a partner who insists on being glued together and doing everything together, or who does not allow you to be alone and is constantly monitoring or questioning your whereabouts and intentions.
4. Dishonesty and lack of trust
A relationship without confidence is like a car without gas: you can sit in it for as long as you want, but it will not go anywhere.
Trust develops over time in a stable relationship. As you get to know each other and wonder if you can trust what your partner says, your partner's actions will confirm his or her truthfulness. They do exactly what they say they will do.
Lying and stealing would destroy trust as if it never existed in the first place. It is difficult to regain confidence once it has been lost. It may return in a matter of moments or days, but, likely, it will still feel fragile, waiting for the wrong move. A relationship that lacks trust can transform good, healthy people into something they are not naturally " insecure, jealous, and suspicious". The toxicity of this lies in the gradual eroding of trust. When trust is seriously broken, all the fighting in the world won't help. Understand that it is enough. It is not your fault that confidence was lost, but it is your responsibility to ensure that you are not broken next.
5. Manipulation using toxic communication
Instead of being kind to one another, the majority of your conversations are filled with sarcasm, criticism, or outright hostility. You might even start avoiding each other's company.
If your partner repeatedly asks if you need that extra piece of pizza, and when you object, they become defensive, claiming that they are only trying to help. This is not about helping you; it is about controlling you. Again, controlling behavior is common in toxic relationships. Manipulation and control-freak tendencies should not be confused with being nice or helpful.
When anyone attempts to influence your choices, behavior, or emotions. Manipulation is often difficult to detect because it can manifest itself in subtle or passive-aggressive ways. You know you’re being manipulated if someone is trying to persuade you to do stuff you don’t feel comfortable doing, ignores you before they get their way, or attempts to control your feelings.
Passive-aggressive behavior is a cowardly move for power and an indirect assault. The toxicity arises from stripping you of your ability to adapt and deal directly with problems. The assault is subtle and sometimes disguised as something else, such as rage disguised as indifference "whatever" or "I'm fine"; coercion disguised as permission. You know the action or behavior was intended to exploit or hurt you, but it is not clear enough to react to the real problem. If it's worth being angry about, it's worth worrying about, but passive-aggressive behavior prevents this from happening.
6. Lack of partnership
A healthy relationship is a collaboration in which both of you co-create your fulfillment. If you suddenly feel like you're doing all of the heavy lifting, particularly if your partner doesn't seem to care, the balance has shifted toxically.
Make certain that you are not the only one contributing to the relationship's day-to-day activities or long-term vision. If you believe you are, it's time to sit down with your man or woman and talk about it. A one-sided relationship will never work in your favor.
7. Abusive relationship
It's a thin line between a toxic and an abusive relationship. If the person you're dating goes out of their way to harm your self-esteem or to put you down and make you feel stuck in the relationship, this may be an indication that you're in an abusive relationship.
If you hear remarks that entice you to stay in the relationship by convincing you that you would be happier if you didn't, for example, "Who would ever date you but for me?" You're probably dealing with a toxic person if they say things like "I'm the best you'll ever get, babe" or "I'm the best you'll ever get, babe." Seeking professional assistance from a therapist can help you regain your faith and break free from that negative thinking pattern.
The longer you remain in a toxic relationship, the more difficult it can be to leave it and begin an afresh, happier relationship with a partner who deserves you. Don't put off making a move for your sake or theirs.
8. Constant discourse
Every relationship will have problems. But in a toxic relationship nothing gets sorted out, and every confrontation ends in an argument. There is no confidence that the other party will be able to deal with the problem in a secure and connection-preserving manner. When this happens, desires are buried, and unmet needs in a relationship will still feed frustration.
Every relationship has some level of stress, but feeling constantly on edge is an indication that something is wrong.
These constant arguments can hurt your physical and emotional health.
9. Disrespect
Even when there is no war, your partner deliberately disrespects you in completely unnecessary ways.
Being excessively late, casually "forgetting" activities, and other habits that demonstrate a disregard for your time are red flags; if this occurs in your relationship, you might want to check for other signs of a toxic relationship.
The first prerequisite for a successful relationship is mutual respect.
10 Resentment
It can be difficult to heal deep wounds in your heart, no matter how emotionally mature you are.
When anyone injures you to the extent that only your best partner can, the suffering lasts for a long time, if not forever.
Cheating, physical abuse, and verbal abuse are all grounds for a great deal of frustration.
Even if you and your partner finally move on and decide to remain together with the hope of treating each other better in the future, the pain of being hurt remains with you. It becomes a part of you, and every day you look in the mirror and think to yourself, "I'm the one who was abused, cheated on, or hurt by the one who is supposed to care for me.
We spend years and decades with our chosen partner, and throughout that period, even minor annoyances can trigger resentment that no one else understands. Perhaps your partner rolls their eyes at you if you recommend a new restaurant or meal; perhaps your partner has a bad habit of interrupting you when you're talking to your friends.
Types Of Toxic Relationships
Toxic relationships are formed when you enter into a relationship with someone who is totally incompatible with your way of life, or when you enter into a relationship with someone who is simply a bad person. There are several different forms of toxic lovers, and they all end up in one of these toxic relationships.
So, if you ever feel stuck in a bad relationship with one of these types of lovers, look for an escape door, because no matter how much you believe you can change the relationship for the better, you simply cannot. Unless, of course, the lover makes a deliberate attempt to become a more welcoming individual.
Unfortunately, we can’t really tell if a relationship will toxic or not until we are in, but the good news is we can actually tell from the onset by identifying some of the red flags and making the decision to exit the relationship early enough. Here are 5 types of toxic relationships one could fall into.
1. Abusive relationship
You don't necessarily have to be physically abused by your abusive partner. Even verbal abuse can have the same effect at times. Don't put up with it if your partner raises a hand at you or threatens you with abuse for any reason. The longer you stay in a toxic relationship, the more dominant your partner will feel over you.
This type of relationship can also include sexual, emotional, and physical abuse, as well as financial control. Here are a few red flags to keep an eye out for:
- Possessiveness
- Threats
- Physical and sexual abuse
2. Controlling relationship
A controlling relationship occurs when one partner dominates the other in an unhealthy and self-serving way. You may be in a controlling relationship if your partner constantly makes you feel intimidated, insecure, or guilty.
It's not fun to be in a controlling relationship. However, the tricky part is that most people are unaware that they are in a controlling relationship. A partner's controlling conduct is often confused with "caring”, "protective”, “jealous”, or "old-fashioned.
Some indications of a controlling relationship may include, but are not limited to:
- Jealousy and accusations
- Examining your phone and belongings
- Constant shaming
- Constant blame
3. Cheating partner
Have you ever caught your partner in the act of cheating on you? And then what? Some partners simply cannot commit to a single partnership, and there is nothing you can do about it. If your partner does not respect you or believe you are important enough, they will cheat on you regularly.
Cheating in a relationship extends beyond having sex with another person; the moment you start hiding your text messages, WhatsApp chats, and Facebook messages, you are cheating on your partner.
A cheating partner never stops, and the longer you stay with them, the more heartbroken you become.
4. Competitive partner
For these types of lovers, everything is a competition. They may claim to love you and even care about you. But they will never let you beat them at anything, whether it's a game or earning more money. They're spoiled brats who always want to be pampered. Most importantly, they enjoy seeing you stumble in life so they can graciously assist you in getting back on your feet and later remind you of how they were the ones who moulded you into the person you are now.
5. Demanding partner
Demanding partners demand the best from you but never reciprocate. They are always attempting to boss you around or telling you how fortunate their mates are to have such understanding partners. Being in a relationship like this will make you feel weak and sad because you will never be good enough, no matter what you do. Your spouse will continuously compare you to others, and the things you excel at will be totally missed and ignored.
How To End A Toxic Relationship
When you are deeply involved in a toxic relationship, you can progressively lose the ability to recognize unhealthy or unacceptable behavior.
If you've put a lot of time, energy, and hope into the relationship, you might find yourself making excuses for how you're feeling. For example, if you and your spouse have a toxic relationship, you might begin to blame your unhappiness or fear of being overwhelmed at work or too busy with the kids.
It is also normal to keep hoping that the other person will improve. Extending the fear, anxiety, or depression that can result from a toxic relationship can also make you physically or mentally ill.
Once you establish that the relationship is toxic it is usually best to leave to regain your sanity. Below are some of the steps to end a toxic relationship.
1. Recognize that you are involved in a toxic relationship
It is normal to be in a toxic relationship without even being conscious of it. People in a dysfunctional marriage or romantic relationship are often told that their partner's rage, frustration, unloving, or abusive behavior toward them is the result of something they did to cause it.
It's similar in a toxic workplace, where the employer can infer or outright say, We're treating you this way because you're not doing a good enough job. The main indication of unhealthy interpersonal relationships is a marked difference in how your partner speaks to you in public and private.
2. Stop wishing for your partner to change.
This is the most common mistake people make when choosing to stay in a relationship where they are being mistreated. You must understand that the only person in this universe over whom you have control is yourself. Until the other party admits their faults and expresses a desire to seek support, they are unlikely to improve. They will promise to change things and make things better. They may even be sincere about their intentions at the time. But, more than likely, nothing will change, particularly if they made promises in the past that they did not keep.
Change can't be forced; it has to come from the inside. Then and only then can things have a chance to sort themselves out.
Our judgment can be clouded at times. Often we just want to see the best of people. We are also terrified of being alone. Some partnerships are simply irreparable, no matter what we tell ourselves.
3. Seek help outside
It also takes the outside view of a therapist, coach, or wise friend to help someone realize that they are not at fault. If you think you're in a toxic relationship, the best thing you can do is to seek out safe, positive relationships with other people to help you improve yourself, shift away from punishing yourself, and begin preparing your escape strategy. A therapist, such as a clinical psychologist, will assist you in learning how to question and reshape your harmful core beliefs.
4. Set boundaries
Setting limits is not a sign of rudeness; it is an act of self-care. Most toxic people gain power by preying on the difficulties that kind people have in establishing boundaries, such as placing verbal limits in place. For example, rather than allowing others to thoroughly vent their complaints or thoughts when you are attempting to work, inform them that you are currently unavailable. And, unfortunately, family is not an exception. Never presume that because somebody is family, they have the right to mistreat you. All relationships need boundaries, which is the line you get to draw in each one.
You'll also need to monitor your social media interactions with the person. We often worry about the consequences of unfriending or banning toxic individuals on social media. But, on this occasion, that is all that is required. You may want to make a clean break with them by immediately deleting them from your social media, and having no further interaction with them.
5. Limit contact if you cannot break ties with the individual
There are times when people must stay attached to a toxic individual, such as toxic coworkers, a manipulative supervisor, or sharing custody of children with a toxic ex. Alternatively, they will opt to stay married to a toxic partner to shield their children from having to experience the toxic relationship alone if custody is broken. It is better to limit the toxic person's access to you and their ability to influence you in such situations.
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