Just like breadcrumbing, stashing, and ghosting, gaslighting, is one of the manipulative ways people control their partners in a relationship.
What Is Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a type of emotional manipulation in an abusive relationship. It is the act of making others question their feelings, memories, and the events taking place around them. The victim is often pushed to the point that they begin to question their sanity.
Someone who employs gaslighting tries to convince the other person that their perception of truth is false. The goal is to convince the person who is being gaslighted that they cannot rely on their intuition or thoughts.
Gaslighting is a type of manipulation that can either be intentional or unintentional. It can happen in any relationship, even non-romantic ones. When it occurs in a couple's relationship, it is one of the most devastating forms of gaslighting.
How Does Gaslighting Work?
Gaslighting is a deception strategy that calls into question one's entire perception of reality. When you're gaslighted, you constantly question yourself, your memories, and your expectations.
It is a strategy that causes a great deal of pain to the victims. Unfortunately, it can take root faster than you would think. Anyone may be subjected to gaslighting. It may occur in a parent-child relationship, sibling relationship, romantic relationship, or even in marriage. It may occur on a larger scale between an employer and his or her workers, social or religious leaders and their supporters, and heads of government and their constituents. Abusers, dictators, and cult leaders often use this strategy.
You become dazed after interacting with the person who is gaslighting you and wondering what is wrong with you. It always evolves gradually, making detection difficult. An individual may use the following techniques to manipulate someone:
1. Lying
Perpetrators of gaslighting are pathological liars. Even if you have proof of their deception, they will blatantly lie to you and refuse to back down. Lying is central to their destructive behavior. Even if you suspect they're lying, they can be very convincing. Finally, you start to doubt yourself.
2. Blame Game
Gaslighters also use the blame game as a tactic. Any conversation you have is twisted such that you are blamed for something that happened. And if you want to talk about how their acts make you feel, they will change the subject and accuse you.
Simply put, they can manipulate any circumstance to make you think you are the cause of their bad behavior. They say that if you had behaved differently, they would not have treated you in the same way.
3 Making You Look Bad
Gaslighters will spread rumors about you while claiming to care about you. They will convince people that you are mentally disturbed. Unfortunately, this tactic can be very effective, and many people will support the offender without realizing the truth.
They can sometimes lie to you and tell you that other people think you're crazy, even though no one has ever said anything negative about you.
4. Refusing to Admit Wrongdoing
Gaslighters are well-known for denying any wrongdoing. They do this to avoid taking responsibility for their bad choices. However, since there is no acknowledgment of the victim's suffering, the victim is often left confused and irritated. This denial often hinders the victim's ability to move on or recover from the abuse.
5. Trivializing Issues
This occurs when one person dismisses another's feelings. They may accuse them of being too emotional or overreacting when they have valid concerns.
Signs of Gaslighting
One may not be fully aware that gaslighting is taking place due to the slow and gradual nature of this manipulation. But once you start experiencing the signs below, you may have to really evaluate your relationship.
- You're questioning whether you're good enough for your partner.
- You are conscious that something is wrong, but you are unsure of what it is.
- You're always sorry.
- You are confused about your relationship.
- You have a feeling of anxiety and insecurity more than you used to.
- You question whether you're being overly sensitive.
- You are disconnected from your friends and relatives.
- Making decisions is becoming more complicated for you.
- You don't recognize yourself as the person you used to be.
- You are always making excuses for your partner's behavior.
Why Do People Gaslight Their Partners?
The individual doing the gaslighting is sometimes unaware that they are doing it. Sometimes, this is due to a fear of being wrong or getting less control in a relationship. There may not be a real desire to weaken their partner.
Any of the possible theories are as follows:
- They feel that this is the only way to keep the relationship - Gaslighting is a very abusive way of trying to hold down someone you want to be in a relationship with. Some people assume that this is the only way to maintain the relationship.
- They are more confident in themselves because they have authority over someone else - There is frequently a real feeling of, 'If I can manipulate other people, I'll feel better about where I am,' and the need for power manifests itself daily in this type of relationship
- They enjoy wielding strength and sway over others - According to studies, some people enjoy wielding power and exploiting others while in a relationship. This group of people will sometimes inadvertently, gaslight their partners.
How To Respond If You Are getting gaslighted
The first step toward recovery from gaslighting is to commit to breaking the cycle of abuse. Don't let your abuser derail your plans; if he or she discovers you intend to leave the relationship, he or she will almost certainly intensify his or her manipulations. Prepare for this by remaining one step ahead of the trend to remain as disconnected as possible.
Below are some other steps to recover:
1. Determine the problem. The first step is to identify what the issue is. Explain what is going on between you and your abuser.
2. Separate the truth from the noise. Keep a record of your conversation so you can reflect on it critically later. Where does the discussion veer away from reality and into the other person's point of view? And, once you've done reading the dialogue, write down your thoughts. Look for signs that your knowledge has been rejected on several occasions.
3. Determine if you and your partner are in a power struggle. You could be being gaslighted if you keep having the same debate with others and can't seem to persuade them to understand your point of view.
4. Try a mental exercise to stimulate a paradigm shift: imagine yourself without the relationship or continuing it from a distance. Importantly, even though the vision makes you nervous, frame it positively. Consider how you would feel if you were able to speak your truth, had social support, and were treated with dignity.
5. Allow yourself to give up something. Part of what makes leaving a gaslighting relationship so painful and complicated is that the gaslighter may be the "someone" you've committed to, such as your best friend, mother, girlfriend, or brother. Toxicity should be avoided regardless of the source.
6. Discuss it with your best friends. Inquire about your emotional state, as well as your spouse's. Request that they are open and honest. Your friends most likely have observed both you and your partner and would be a source of the right information.
7. Remember how you feel more than what is right or wrong. It's easy to get engrossed in the need to be right or to spend endless hours arguing about who's right. However, who is right and who is wrong is less important than how you feel. What matters is whether your words make you feel bad or cause you to second-guess yourself. In any conversation, maintaining a sense of psychological and emotional well-being is more important than determining who is correct or incorrect.
8. Remember that even though you are right, you cannot sway the views of others. You would never be able to convince a friend, boss, or partner that you are not overly emotional or controlling. You must let go of attempting, as absurd as it might be. The only one you have control over is your judgment.
9. Empathize with yourself. It's much more difficult to give yourself the love it deserves when you don't feel comfortable or strong, but you have to find a way to take care of yourself. It will have a calming effect on you and will help you make sound decisions.
10. Be consistent with your recovery plans. While communicating with a loved one may be helpful, you may need the assistance of an impartial third party, preferably a competent therapist, not just to lead you out of the abusive relationship, but also to help ensure you do not fall into the cycle of abuse, regardless of the nature of the relationship in question.
If you've been considering attending couples therapy, go ahead and do it, but don't forget to arrange your private sessions as well. Long-term, consistent therapy with a professional therapist will be needed to provide you with the help you require to break free from a toxic relationship.
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